Ironically written just a minute ago while I have a research report due tomorrow and have not started!
Get me out of here,
My eyes don’t see anything.
When I said I wanted to create
this is not what I meant.
The amount of time guiltily wasted
yet still goes more enjoyed.
Doing all the things I didn’t want to do,
to avoid the thing I hate most.
You judge us on this ability
that you force us to spit out.
How can this be a true sign of talent or skill
If it’s done
When I go through the tiniest of shit in my life, ie right now trying to get through writing this essay – or starting it, I go through every single level of hating myself. It just piles up and then it’s not about an essay anymore. It’s about what the shit I’m doing with my life, why am I like this, is this even what I want to do, I’m not even good at this, I’m gonna fail, I suck at life, I should just give up now.
And then I think about how much easier life was when the only thing you had to worry about was the spelling test on Friday and how I wish I could go back to those days and live like that forever. And then I think, “Well that’s a shitty life. You won’t ever progress in life. There’s no adventure, there’s no nothing. Life is easy but life is boring.” And I come to the conclusion that you have to get through all this shit if you ever want to succeed.
If my dad isn’t Billy Ray Cyrus, nothing will ever be handed to me freely.
So I reluctantly go through whatever I have to go through, whining and complaining the whole time, taking two hour breaks every fifteen minutes, and one all-nighter later, I’m a sleep-deprived zombie. BUT I’m a sleep-deprived zombie with a finished essay. But I never feel any joy out of finishing it. It’s always more of a, “I’m done. I’m going to bed.” There’s just no satisfaction at the end of it.
And as always, I promise never to do that to myself again.
The thing is, when I tell this to people I know, they say they often go through the exact same thing. But do they really? To my extremity?
Is their “all-nighter” actually until 4am instead of 8am?
I’m not saying they suffer any less, I’m saying this illustrates just how bad I really am. I don’t know what is wrong with my mentality, but I always feel this sense of urgency, yet I act as if I have all the time in the world.
My first actual all-nighter (when the sun came up and I had to get ready for school right after completing it) was at the end of year 11. How bad is that? And at the very start of year 11 was when I started finishing assignments at 3am.
I still remember the assignment I was doing, and that moment in the midst of it, when I realised that I don’t have to sleep at 12am; I have about 6 more hours to do this. I have so much time left!
It was comforting at the time, but it screwed me over big time in the long run.