New life update

I don’t know how or why this happened, but things are happening for me.

I turned nineteen years old less than three weeks ago, and I feel like a completely different person to the one who was having a nap on the afternoon of her eighteenth birthday, wishing she didn’t have to entertain guests because all she wanted to do was curl up in her bed and sleep.
I simply figured, nothing new has been happening in my life and it’s because I’m not letting anything happen. I’m saying no to any opportunities thrown my way, and I’m not throwing myself into anything new and out of my comfort zone.

So that’s what I’ve been doing these last few weeks. And I didn’t even go into this intentionally, saying yes to everything; it all just fell into place. It all just happened.
My first week back to uni, I was already jam-packed with work to do because my friends encouraged me to write and direct a short film I had on my mind. Basically, I had a week to turn nothing into a written screenplay and pitch in a week.
In that same week, I was given a job interview, and that job.
On a slightly smaller and sillier scale, I think something is progressing romantically. :O
And socially. Because I’ll be going on a trip with friends up north to my very first music festival – Splendour In The Grass!

That was all just last week. Now I’ve come to the end of this week and I am a completely different person. Mostly because of my new job, I think. I seem to feel much more independent and more approachable. Having to deal with customers and tourists all day and being encouraged to approach people and ask if they need help has made me feel less anxious/weird about approaching strangers to talk or ask for something. Even when I was on my break, I was waiting in line at a cafe, and just striked up a conversation with the couple in front of me. You have to understand – this is something I never do. Usually if a stranger randomly talks to me, I just give them a smile and a bit of a laugh. But this time I was actually the one to start the conversation. What? I also find myself just smiling at strangers for whatever reason. I don’t know if it’s creepy, but finally having a job is just making me feel independent, and useful.

I’m mostly terrified at the thought of writing and directing a short film, especially because this will be our major work that spans across two trimesters. I could either make or break this, and also make or break my close friendships with the people in my group (I’ve seen it happen to another director). But I’m also excited about this. I always seem to forget about that part. That I’m excited. Mostly because it’s like a dripping tap in the back of my mind, always reminding me that there’s something I need to be working on to do with this short film, and it makes me anxious because I don’t want to screw it up. I’m just really nervous about it because it’s such a big thing, but I just find it crazy how I ended up doing this.

I basically just threw myself in the deep end for pretty much all aspects of my life, and let me tell you, I am exhausted. Yes, it’s only been two weeks, but it feels like it has been two months. All this work to do with the screenplay and presentation, plus working 9 to 5 on all my previously free days…
I’m not going to have a day off for three weeks and then I’ll be going straight to Splendour.

Just to think, two weeks ago going from being unemployed, unambitious, with 4-day weekends every week spent entirely at home, to having a very time-demanding job, being a director-in-the-works, with no days spent entirely at home for at least a month…




I think many young people grow up expecting to wake up one day and be “grown up” and that being an adult meant, at the very least, knowing what the hell you’re doing in life. But I read somewhere that some famous, credible guy once said something (I am clearly nowhere near as credible) about how everyone expects that when you become an adult, you know all the answers; you don’t walk through life constantly confused and lost about things – except that he hasn’t found his experience to be anything like that. He is still lost and always has been.

But that’s what confuses me. It’s deceiving. So many adults seem to know what they’re doing. My parents seem to have it all together. It’s just – they’re adults, they’re grown up, that’s how I’ve always perceived them. I’ve never really thought about how they were once my age, too. They went through some point in their life where shit got real and you couldn’t get away with certain things anymore. And maybe they don’t have it all together. Maybe most adults don’t have it all together. Maybe majority of adults cruise through the “fake it ’til you make it” period of their lives for much longer than I’d ever expect.

It has all become so real to me, because I’ve realised that I’m now entering that stage where I’m expected to know things and to take initiative on learning things on my own and getting out there in the world, in comparison to just going to class and then going home. It’s just another one of those surreal moments where I know I’m going to have to go through something, but I don’t realise how soon it’s going to happen.
Take for example, my choice to studying film. At a college instead of university. Since I was about 14 or 15, I had decided that working in the film industry was my dream job. Key word: dream. I always thought something more realistic would come to me over time, but nothing ever did. I was so set on film, though I had never actually done anything in that department. So by the time I had graduated high school and it was time for me to choose a course, I was stumped. There was absolutely nothing else I could think of studying, but film. For months, right until that moment when I entered the campus to hand in my enrollment forms, I still didn’t believe I was going to do it. I’m the kind of person who says I’m going to do something, and never end up doing it. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I was actually going to go through with this. It seems like a small matter, but I honestly never thought I’d study film (what with the career inconsistency and whatnot), or even be in a college. I spent six years of my high school life imagining myself at university. But here I am.

Adulthood is the process that everyone goes through for the majority of their lives, and most of them never find the answers they expected to find, because they never really went looking. That’s why I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m lost and I am scared. I have accepted the fact that I’m going to feel this way about my life and future for a very long time. What I know is that I am definitely not the only one. But it just feels like I am.

Where am I in my other timelines?

I’ve always wondered if I had never set myself out for film and television, what path I would have taken instead. Because honestly, I don’t know what else I could possibly be good at. Also, I think with all the possible career choices I have/would have taken, I’m just destined to be poor forever unless I was one of those ‘gifted’ ones.
My next choice probably would have been acting. Mostly in theatre but trying to get into film and television anyway.
And then music, and probably teaching music rather than trying to get signed and be oh so famous.
Then… interior design. I’m not exactly talented with this, because I haven’t even really tried anything to know my potential, but I’ve unintentionally spent a whole lot of my free time looking up ways to design living spaces, and watching TV shows about innovative interior designs, and spending hours trying to find ways to rearrange my own room, and I even EVEN play a little bit of those kids games where you design a house. -_- haha. And that probably explains why I was so addicted to Habbo, yes, Habbo… when I was like 12 or 13.
And then I would have liked to be a flight attendant. But lol. First of all, I’m way too short, I don’t know anything about hospitality, I severely lack the social skills required, and I mostly want to be a flight attendant just because I fucking love airports and airplanes and plane trips and plane food and getting paid to travel all over the world. (The not-seeing-family/friends-for-a-long-time thing is not a problem for my relatively anti-social self).

Anyway, it just makes me wonder if film and television is the right path I’m taking. I’m not exceptional at what I’m studying, but I’m one of the top students. That doesn’t mean I’ll be successful – working in the film industry is like constantly applying for jobs and you only hit the jackpot a few times in your life if you’re lucky.
It just makes me wonder about all the things I haven’t tried, or haven’t considered. Maybe there’s something I’m exceptional at and I still don’t know it. Then I could stop doubting myself. I just hate doubting myself.