06: Earliest thing you can remember

I was probably three years old, lying upside down on our ancient old brown couch. My head was hanging off the edge and my legs were up where your back should be leaning. I had no pants on, but I was wearing a white shirt with some sort of prints on the front, and white undies.

I distinctly remember this from my perspective (not sure if this should be obvious or not), and I was staring at my legs against the couch, not really thinking of anything. I had a bottle of milk in my mouth, so from my perspective I could see it in the foreground. It was the bottle that separated in the middle to make two handles so that you could hold it with both hands.

The interesting thing is, I don’t know how much of that tiny memory is actually true. They say every time you remember something, it changes a little bit every time.
I have thought of that memory countless times. I’m kind of intrigued by it, how something so fleeting and meaningless could be my earliest memory. It makes me wonder if there was something significant at that time, if there was a reason I remembered that moment specifically, if there was something I was thinking about that was profound enough (well, for a three-year-old, at least) that I would remember that moment.
And how much of this memory has stuck to its actual event? Was I really wearing a white shirt? Was it really the old brown couch I was lying on? Did I even have that milk bottle in my hands, or did I just assume that just because I was a toddler in this memory?

It all sounds stupid and unnecessary to think so deeply in this, I know. But sometimes I wish I could do that thing in Harry Potter, where you extract your memories into this liquid thing (I don’t remember! I’m not a hard out HP fan!) and then dunk your face into the thing and then replay it (sounds graceful). Or, you know, save your memories into a hard drive and then play it back whenever. And the memories wouldn’t be warped as a result of time or having other experiences afterwards, e.g. Remembering all the good times you had with a friend after they backstabbed you or something, they wouldn’t play back as if this friend is suddenly a very ugly person. I think that would be amazing. To save your memories forever exactly the way it happened.

I’m a very nostalgic person, can you tell?


05: A thank you letter to someone who has changed your life

You, you crazy child you.

Though I’m not, nor have I ever been, your best friend, it doesn’t change the fact that we have always somehow remained important in each other’s lives. It’s funny too, how that can be, when we were only really close from 2007 – 2009. Just three short years, yet I feel like our friendship means so much more than the time we spent together. We’ve lost touch with each other completely, yet I’m sure in twenty years’ time, we’ll still be going to each others’ birthday events.

It started in 8th grade Food Tech, and as it seems, weird people are like magnets to other weird people. How did we get acquainted so quickly? We talked about the strangest things, you had the most absurd sense of humour I’ve ever come across in my short eighteen years, but you were the crazy weird that allowed me to unleash my crazy weird.
9th grade was bliss because being in the same class for almost everything meant we could spend all day everyday together soaking up each other’s weird. I’d say that year was probably one of the best years of my life.

You might mean much more to me than I ever did to you, but alas. There are plenty of reasons why.
You, at such a young age, already knew who you were, already knew yourself, you were already your own person. I was still caught up in chasing fads and trying to make people like me. The most amazing thing that anyone’s ever done for me, a shy little wallflower, was bring out the confidence in me. Bring me out of my shell.
The whole time I knew you, that’s what you got me to do.
You helped me to completely forget about all the bullying that had gone on. I smiled and laughed in class, for a change.
Music class was so much fun. We jammed together, you taught me all this stuff, we helped each other with our assignments, performances, etc. Especially when I freaked the frack out before one performance, and we just sat in the rehearsal room talking about stuff to take my mind off of it.

But the most important thing of all, is that if I had not met you, I might never have realised my passion for acting/theater, and eventually, film. If I hadn’t partnered up with this enthusiastic ball of sunshine in all our drama exercises, I might not even be taking the course I’m doing now.
You made me so incredibly enthusiastic about drama class, and so confident. Confident enough to want to volunteer to perform in front of the class, the activities we had to do in partners.
So then I’d go on to choose it as an elective, and then it just became my life all throughout high school. And if I hadn’t chosen drama, how would I have known I’d be interested in film? The potential career that I’m pursuing?

If I had not met you, I would not be on the path that I’m on. So yeah, you sure as hell changed my life. And I didn’t even realise.

All the countless notes we passed in class, the crazy stories we made up, the origami you taught me, the inside jokes, music, english, drama, metal tech, Spongebob, Naruto(!), Jason Mraz, Boys Like Girls, Gaia, the list is endless!

You’ll always be so special to me, and I thank you endlessly with all of my heart for being a spazzed out talented and crazy weird blob that just grew out of nowhere from a bunch of weeds. 🙂

04: What you imagine paradise to be like

I’ve never thought about it before. It’s weird because, often I’m so sure that there’s some kind of Heaven or Nirvana waiting at the end of your life, but I can’t tell if I’m used to expecting that because of how I was taught. Because even more than that, I feel like there’s absolutely nothing after death. Once your heart stops beating and your brain stops functioning, that’s the end of you and your conscious mind as a living being. That you don’t move on by any means – souls going to Heaven or reincarnation, or what have you.

I know this is a bit of a tangent to what I imagine paradise is, but the “paradise” at the end of your life is extremely relevant (and very intriguing). I have mixed thoughts about it. Often I think that when you die, your soul continues to live without your body, and because you don’t have a body, you do not experience any of the five senses – sight, touch, taste, hear, smell – nor do you look like anything. You exist, but in some other kind of way than what we know. It seems like a horrible way to “live” for the rest of eternity, but I imagine it would be much more peaceful, more serene. There’s nothing left to worry about. That is paradise at the end of your life as a human being.

But if the paradise we’re talking about here is more like, “how you imagine the perfect place to live and the perfect way to live”, then this is somewhat how I imagine it:
There is so specific place in mind, as long as it is an open living space (indoors or out, I do not care), with lots of light, and the perfect weather to go out but not have to squint from the sunlight. There is a lot of colour and nature everywhere – flowers blooming, trees that are bright green, long grass swaying in the wind.
What is more important here, in this paradise, is the way of living.
Creativity is more valuable than money. There are no jobs. No 9-5 days. No paying for college degrees to get a job and work for the rest of your life. None of that.  There is an endless supply of paint and arts and crafts sort of things. There are no schedules of when you have to do what. You create. You create and you create whatever is on your mind. You do what you want, really.

The point of this paradise is that I think in reality, living a sustainable life often gets in the way of what people really want – what you really want to live for. I’m afraid of my future because I believe all I’ll be concerned about is how I’m going to get a job? How will I make money? Will I make enough to pay rent, food, supplies, petrol, entertainment, etc.? Will I be able to save any of it to splurge on something I actually want to spend my money on? How long do I have to work for? What am I going to do with my money when I’ve retired and I have no energy to spend on things I once wanted to spend it on?
Everyone has their own meaning for their own lives, and I think that the whole school – work – retire – die just doesn’t really let you live your life the way you’re supposed to. So in this world, you don’t have to do any of that “mandatory” stuff in order to live.

You live to actually live. Not just to remain living.
That’s paradise.


When I go through the tiniest of shit in my life, ie right now trying to get through writing this essay – or starting it, I go through every single level of hating myself. It just piles up and then it’s not about an essay anymore. It’s about what the shit I’m doing with my life, why am I like this, is this even what I want to do, I’m not even good at this, I’m gonna fail, I suck at life, I should just give up now.
And then I think about how much easier life was when the only thing you had to worry about was the spelling test on Friday and how I wish I could go back to those days and live like that forever. And then I think, “Well that’s a shitty life. You won’t ever progress in life. There’s no adventure, there’s no nothing. Life is easy but life is boring.” And I come to the conclusion that you have to get through all this shit if you ever want to succeed.
If my dad isn’t Billy Ray Cyrus, nothing will ever be handed to me freely.
So I reluctantly go through whatever I have to go through, whining and complaining the whole time, taking two hour breaks every fifteen minutes, and one all-nighter later, I’m a sleep-deprived zombie. BUT I’m a sleep-deprived zombie with a finished essay. But I never feel any joy out of finishing it. It’s always more of a, “I’m done. I’m going to bed.” There’s just no satisfaction at the end of it.
And as always, I promise never to do that to myself again.

The thing is, when I tell this to people I know, they say they often go through the exact same thing. But do they really? To my extremity?
Is their “all-nighter” actually until 4am instead of 8am?
I’m not saying they suffer any less, I’m saying this illustrates just how bad I really am. I don’t know what is wrong with my mentality, but I always feel this sense of urgency, yet I act as if I have all the time in the world.

My first actual all-nighter (when the sun came up and I had to get ready for school right after completing it) was at the end of year 11. How bad is that? And at the very start of year 11 was when I started finishing assignments at 3am.
I still remember the assignment I was doing, and that moment in the midst of it, when I realised that I don’t have to sleep at 12am; I have about 6 more hours to do this. I have so much time left!
It was comforting at the time, but it screwed me over big time in the long run.

And on this week’s episode of ‘Oh Angela, You Idiot!’

Angela pulls out of movie plans last minute and lies about the reason because she realised she didn’t have money to spare if she was going to the money-hungry Easter show the day after. Oh you socially anxious Angela you!
But stay tuned because coming up after the break, we see Angela sucking nail polish remover through a straw as an attempt to transfer the poisonous liquid to another narrow-necked bottle! Oh Angela, you idiot!

March playlist

I realised I hadn’t done one of these since last year, since this computer has been so frustratingly slow at everything, that I’ll have to move all my movies and music to another hard drive. :/ So I haven’t really been downloading much music, though the list of songs/artists to download is ever-growing at its usual annoyingly fast pace.

1. “Asleep” The Smiths
2. “Draw A Crowd” Ben Folds Five
3. “My Body” Young The Giant
4. “Two Weeks” Grizzly Bear

5. “Thrift Shop” Macklemore & Ryan Lewis ft. Wanz (Could it be…? I’m reverting back to my old rnb and hip hop ways!)
6. “Changing” The Airborne Toxic Event
7. “Sweater Weather” The Neighbourhood

8. “Olympic Airways” Foals
9. “Know How” Kings Of Convenience
10. “Gravity” Coldplay (Is it just me or does there always seem to be a Coldplay song on every playlist of mine? NO REGRETS!)
11. “NYE” Dinosaur Bones
12. “Home” Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros
13. “Don’t You Give Up On Me” Milo Greene

14. “Bloom” Gypsy & The Cat
15. “I Don’t Mind” Imagine Dragons
16. “Lover, You Should’ve Come Over” Jeff Buckley
17. “Everybody Talks” Neon Trees
18. “Lanterns” Birds Of Tokyo

19. “Home” Philip Philips
20. “The Adventures Of Rain Dance Maggie” Red Hot Chili Peppers
21. “Valentine” The Wombats